Stages of Life, Stages of Grief

I got bad news today.

I got bad news, right when woke up. With eyes full of sleep, and head full of fog, I got bad news.

It isn't something I didn't already know, but there seems to be a finality about it now. I though that I was hopeful. In reality I was...avoiding, maybe.

I woke up. I read a blog. My Grandpa is dying.

He's been sick. For more than a year, I have known that he has cancer. I remember the summer last year, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I remember the tears in the room, and my younger sisters not understanding why everyone was sad instead of happy. They didn't know. They didn't know that instead of counting the years that they had together, we were thinking of the mere months we may have left.

But the man is strong, and strong-willed. Through treatments, and weakness he was present...at soccer games and birthdays. He was tired, we could see it. but he was fighting.

Timelines have come and gone. Treatments have been given. Last I heard, the tumors weren't spreading. They were going to take a break from the chemo, let his body regain some stregnth.

But today, I woke up and read a blog. My Grandpa is dying. And I am angry.

I'm a bad blogger.

There is no other way to say it.  I'm not good at blogging.  Look down there...my last post was a year and five months ago.  If blogging was a game, I would lose.

That being said, I'm going to try to get better about it.  I have a group of friends who blog, and I love reading their posts and feeling like I'm a part of what they have going on.  I love reading about their children and keeping tabs on what is going on in their lives.  And, true or not, I think that they would like to be kept abreast of what I have going on, as well.  I mean really, my kid is crazy.  In all the good ways that she can be crazy.

So, my dear, lovely, patient friends....for you, I will try.

The Departure

I usually like to take one quote and give my take on it. So I went to one of my trusty quote websites and there was a link to a collection of "Wise Sayings" and I thought to myself, "Self, wise sayings are just what you need right now. And in my browsing I couldn't pick just one. Probably because I have so much I'm trying to figure out. Many of these "Wise Sayings" hit home and the quotes that catch my attention really vary from day to day. Because every day is different, and what we need changes constantly. So today I'm going to post a few quotes that got to me instead of just one.

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. ~Tennessee Williams (Thomas Lanier)

Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped. ~African Proverb

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

I think it's easy to see where I'm going with these. I have to work some stuff out and it's not been as easy as I thought it would be. Things aren't as cut and dry as I need them to be to just walk away and not look back. I have to look into the past and see exactly where things started to go wrong, not where they came crashing down on me. And I need to be strong enough to let go even though I have no idea where I can go from here.

This is scary...........

Strength and Courage

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao Tzu

Like the description of my blog says... When life gets tough, the tough get blogging.

Well, friends, life got tough. Life gets tough a lot. But what I've found is that I do my best work when things aren't as easy as I hope for. I look deeper into myself and find strength I didn't know I had.

All in all, I've been a very lucky person. I have a beautiful daughter, a nice house and a decent job. And I have been lucky enough to be deeply loved by someone and love them deeply in return.

I feel the strength I gained from being deeply loved is the strength to know that I deserve it. I now know that I'm worth the love I want to receive. I also know that the uncertain girl I used to be was just the girl waiting to become the steady woman I am today. I gained the strength to rise above the mistakes of my past, and grow in the fact that I know I can do better, be better, LOVE better.

And loving someone deeply has given me the courage to accept that people make mistakes. To see hat those mistakes are not a reflection of me. Loving deeply has given me the courage to forgive. And the courage to say that I don't know what lies ahead, but I'm certain that it will all work out.

Because I am loved deeply by him, and he is deeply loved by me.

Got change?

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. -Alan Cohen

I'm thinking of taking this quote and posting it all over my house, car, office...just anywhere where I can see it on a regular basis.

I have gone through so many changes over the past few months; I've released the familiar because there was no meaning in it for me any longer. And I was unprepared for how much hurt and pain I would go through losing something that I didn't care about anymore. I have turned into a person who I don't recognize. I'm mean and snarky to a person who I swore I'd never be that way with. Because of hurt feelings and the inability to think I've ever done wrong.

But today I'm letting go. I am choosing to make a change in myself, to stop trying to hold onto pieces of a life that I was done with. People grow apart and change if we don't put in the work it takes to change in the same direction. And I didn't put in the work. But I'll not let that happen again. I've embraced the new, and I've got plenty of adventure ahead of me!

My delightful week...

My mom got us the best present ever for Christmas this year. J and I are huge fans of the band Kings of Leon, and she got us 13th row seats at their show in Indy. We went to dinner at the new Scotty's Brewhouse downtown, where his brother is the Kitchen Manager. Import pitchers were only $7 so we had a couple of those and headed to the show.

A band called The Whigs opened for KOL and we both really liked them. They are going to be back in town in March and I think we might try to make that show.

I will have to say that my favorite thing about live shows is everyone singing along. Now, you have to understand that I was crazy lady who knew all of the words to every song. The poor guy next to me might have been annoyed, because he seemed to just stand there all night long while I jumped around and threw goats and generally acted a fool. But, it was my big night out for (let's be honest here) the year probably.

I took quite a few videos with my phone that I had planned to share...until I was finally done being hungover and could watch them without feeling pukey. I, apparently, cannot sing. It's a terrible sound that I will never let anyone hear. Luckily I found this video...



I love the end, when everyone is singing along.

Sadly, I spent the next two days feeling like I might be dying. But that's what I get for drinking so much after the show. But, we had a great time. And that is all that matters.

Forgetful Frannie

That is me. I kinda forgot about my blog. Well, that's a lie...I didn't *forget* because how is that really possible. I started several posts, but could never really finish one. There were things that I felt I needed to say but I could never quite find the right words.

Looking back, I think it was a good thing that I wasn't able to finish those posts. I wasn't in a good spot, and nothing I could have said would have made things better.

But things are good now. I'm finally feel comfortable in my life, in my skin. I feel like I got what I needed in the time I took for myself. I made some friends and learned alot about the person I am and the person I want to be. And the person I want to be is Phoenix's mom, and Josh's...person, lady, wife (someday, don't start the planning) and Nikki's own best friend.

Sometimes I feel badly for the way I acted while I was learning these things. I really neglected the people who love me most. And that wasn't fair to them. But mostly I feel like I needed to be an ass to bring me to the place where I am...the place where they deserve me to be.

So all that was just to say, things are good. Finally, I'm home.